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This is an experiment to see how honest people can be if they don't have to identify themselves. Some silly, some deep, but all require honesty.
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36 comments:
Yes.
There are personal things that I have told girlfriends that I would die if they told their husband.
Yes. Not telling "anyone" would definitely include my spouse.
Hmmm it depends on what it is. I usually tell him everything....not that he will listen or remember. :)
I tell my spouse everything. We're best friends and he also knows how to keep his mouth shut.
They have to specifically say - not even your husband. People often say they tell their husband everything - but if you say you won't - you shouldn't.
If your going to tell your spouse shouldn't you tell the person telling your "don't tell anyone" that you tell your spouse everything?
If your spouse isn't your best friend should you tell your best friend everything that someone tells you?
I don't withhold anything from my spouse.
I think the only time you should tell your spouse something that was told in confidence is if it could affect you or your marriage. And also that you have an understanding with your spouse that it is in strict confidence.
I think it's silly to say that you should tell your spouse EVERYTHING, or never withhold information from him/her, just because you are married. Some things are just irrelevant, ya know?
Yes, but I tell my husband everything! He does not tell a soul though, and he probably doesn't remember 90% of what I told him anyways!
If someone says, don't even tell him, well it depends on what it is. I know it shouldn't be MY call, but it's hard not to tell him!
I don't tell friends things that I don't want their spouse to know. I wouldn't want them to keep things from their hubby.
'spouse isn't your best friend' and 'some things are irrelevant'.
Not to be mean, but that's why marriages fail. You aren't 1. You are two separate lives and that's kind of sad. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else or talk to anyone else on a daily basis.
Please don't take offense, I'm just observing.
I agree with telling your hubby Everything, even 'don't tell your hubby'. My friends know that, but my hubby would never act like he knows, and they still confide in me all the time.
I agree with 9:17.
I'll be honest and say I MESS UP and do tell him everything. But that doesn't make it okay! It is wrong!
Just because "we're best friends" doesn't it make it okay to break a promise and gossip.
Just because "he knows to keep his mouth shut" doesn't make it okay betray a friend's trust.
Just because "I don't withold anything from my spouse" doesn't it make it okay to let my spouse know deep dark secrets that they don't want anyone to know.
9:17 am:
Your post is very inappropriate and just plain wrong! No therapist, counselor, minister or mental health worker would tell you that marriages fail because spouses don't tell each other that so-and-so is having a boob job or so-and-so is serious debt or so-and-so is having marriage problems.
In fact, a therapist, minister etc. would tell you it is WRONG to break a friends trust and tell them something they have specifically asked you not to tell!
9:17 am and whoever agrees with 9;!7 am:
So if someone is married to a minister and is counseling someone at the church who reveals she's been sexually abused as a child, is it okay for the minister to tell his spouse?
I'm not being a smart-alec, I'm just trying to get your insight.
What do you think? Do you the minister should tell his spouse everythings?
THANKS for answering!
My husband is a minister and he tells me everything, just so you know. I believe husband and wife are "one", so we don't don't withhold. You need someone you can confid and share burdens with.
I agreed with 9:17 and as usual with any topic this is being taken to extremes in order to pick fights.
If a minister is counseling someone then he has no business telling his wife about what is being discussed. It's his job. Just like shrink wouldn't share what was going on in private sessions. Just like a soldier may know where is going to deploy and isn't allowed to tell his family.
I have never in my life had someone say to me "don't tell your husband."
I agree with 11:31. Mostly fine to share with your husband.
A minister working as a counselor is unethical if he shares information given to him in a counseling setting with his spouse or anyone else, for that matter. And if you are listening to your husband, a minister, tell you these things, then YOU are wrong.
The ONLY exception I can see to this is if the counselee asks for the wife's input, but even then, the minister should invite that person to talk to his wife. Even in praying together as a husband and wife, the minister is WRONG to divulge other people's personal stuff to his wife.
But should elders do that with each other?
11:31, exactly! I believe people are looking for a fight... AGAIN! Grow Up!
I'm 9:17 and I think that a marriage will fail if your husband is NOT your best friend! I'm not a counselor, I'm just speaking from seeing so many marriages close to me fall apart bc they weren't one. If my best friend said, 'hey, I'm going to have a hysterectomy, don't tell anyone!' I wouldn't tell my hubby bc that's just something personal and maybe not a man's business. Now if she said 'hey, I'm getting a boob job, don't tell your hubby.' I'd feel pretty bad when she shows up with big knockers and he's wondering what the heck ;) I wouldn't ever want my hubby to feel like I with held anything from him. My friends know that we are a Christian couple and the things they tell me/him/us are only between us! We aren't gossiping bc we are telling eachother! I'm sorry, but I still feel like my marriage and relationship will always come first, long before ANY friendship!
As far as ministers go, that's a profession as is a counselor. There are confidentiality issues there. I would NEVER ask my hubby if a couple came to him or if anybody was having any troubles! If he asked my advice, would be nonjudgmental and not try to figure out who it is! I think you are just trying to find things to pick at.
I would NEVER feel comfortable going to a minister or an elder in my congregation because I know many of them tell their wives everything - which I believe is WRONG! I've heard elders wives tell things that should have never been whispered in their ears, much less crossed their lips. Is nothing sacred?
I don't feel it is right to break a confidence with a friend in order to say that you are "one" with your spouse and that you have to tell him (or her) everything. Do you go into great detail about your entire day with your spouse every day? Do you tell him about every conversation you had? What you had for lunch? All of the sometimes not-so-great thoughts going through your head? If not, does that make you headed for marriage failure?
I personally think that sometimes the I-tell-my-spouse-everything card is pulled when someone is just dying to discuss a juicy item or topic just a little bit further...
11:06, I hope we don't go to church together.
I agree with the comments that have been said about minister's and elder's wives. I would prefer ministers and elders talk to other ministers and elders than their wives. Some things don't need to be shared with a spouse.
Now, you need to bounce an idea off someone or get some advice, you can easily do that without breaking a confidence. Just leave off names or specific details.
1:10 here. I'm not saying you have to tell your husband Every detail of Everything! But I like to tell my hubby everything so we are always on the same page. I feel as though we are more 'one' than if I came home and told him basics. I don't know how to say it, but he is my best friend and if anything happens in my day, I text or call him first thing! I wish everyone would step back from other 'priorities' and put marriage back at the top like it should be. That's what I'm saying.
But, Use good judgement! Good Judgement is another thing many are lacking! (1:50 agree?) If it's something serious and you really don't think your friend wants you to say something, DON'T!
As far as elders and pastors go..I'm with 1:23 on this one! I do not trust my elders or pastor to keep a deep dark secret from their wife! It's very sad, we should be able to fully confide in them but they are married to 11:06!
oh and 1:50, I agree about playing that card to discuss a topic just a little further or get juicy details. It's a safe place to discuss things and not feel judged or gossipy. As long as it stays between the two of you!?!
11:06 -------> Does your husbands counsel-ees - or the people he is counseling know that he will tell you.
If not, sit down with him and tell him that from now on, whenever someone enters his office, they need to know(either by word of mouth, or paperwork) that he will tell you everything. I would love to hear your thoughts.
I know you are probably thinking "Oh no, there is no way he could ever let them know." That, my dear friend, is a sign that this behavior (gossiping, breaking someone's trust) is just plain wrong.
I'm sorry, but I still feel like my marriage and relationship will always come first, long before ANY friendship! You've missed the point.
It's not about the friendship at all.
It's about what's right.
Here's how to tell if something is gossip, or if its just info that okay to share with your husband/wife because you are one:
* Would you want the person to know that you told your spouse? If the answer is no, it's gossip.
* Would you tell the person to his/her face, or tell someone else in his/her presence? If the answer is no, it's gossip.
* Does the information portray the person in a very positive way? If the answer is no, it's gossip.
* If you were in that person's shoes, would you want someone to be telling their spouse about it? If the answer is no, it's gossip.
* If it begins with "I know I shouldn't be saying this, but...", it's gossip.
I agree it is not right for a minister to tell his wife private details!
I know of a minister who was trying to help someone through a divorce. The minister told his wife, his wife told her mom, and her mom told me! That's horrible!
On a side note, I should have stood up and said that I don't want to hear that gossip, but I didn't :(
If you are not part of the immediate solution, you are gossiping.
Those who are involved in problem solving know in their heart if they are helping or hurting.
To those of you who's husbands are ministers and they tell you everything, I curious as to WHY you need to know?
Why do you need to know who your husband is seeing for counseling?
Why do you need to know who is struggling with past abuse issues, has depression or whatever? Why do you need to know who's husband had an affair etc?
I'm just curious as to why it is your business to know? That's all.
Why does it matter to you what my husband tells me?
Okay, I think I need to apologize for being kind of rude, I'm sorry.
I am curious, though (and I'm a completely different poster), why it is that the spouse needs to know and have access to that kind of information. Is it just because it is an interesting topic? I'm not being rude, I'm just honestly asking...and hoping for an honest answer.
I guess I just don't understand how it is helpful. Maybe you can explain.
Yes.
I generally tell my husband everything without much thought put into it. All those things people tell you have to go somewhere. He is the person that I can unload with and trust. He has good insight too. At the same time, I have never really been told anything with the caviat that he shouldn't be told. Most people that talk to me, find themselves equally at ease talking to him. If he was a psychologist, that would be entirely different where work was related. It would be like me giving him a list of all my corporation's bank account numbers.
It matters to me what your husband tells you if I am someone hurting at your church who has sought counseling help from him, not you.
I loved the list of questions about gossip. What would we want our daughters to do when they are grown? Besides that, have you ever noticed that being told something about someone can be like a burden? It can affect your relationship with that person. One can easily fall into being judgmental. But oh, how we love to have our ears tickled! I do not think this is the life God calls us to.
As a counselor, I will say there are things about clients that I do not share with my husband. A big reason is that I don't want to bring the problems that I hear about in sessions into my home or marraige. The other reason is that it is illegal and unethical for me to share that information. If I had a problem with that, I wouldn't have become a therapist.
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