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This is an experiment to see how honest people can be if they don't have to identify themselves. Some silly, some deep, but all require honesty.
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Most of these questions are now submitted. Please feel free to submit your question and see how others feel. Email me here with a subject line of "Anonymous Truth"
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49 comments:
Do you think it is okay for your husband/wife to have a friend of the opposite gender (not including a relative)? Like someone they go do stuff with by themselves? Do you even think it is okay for your spouse to be alone with someone of the opposite gender?
I think it is 100% inappropiate for a married person to EVER entertain someone of the other gender who isn't related by themselves.
I'm going to answer this question as a single person who's never been married @ age 28, but has a lot of married friends.
I see nothing wrong with going to lunch, dinner, or coffee with one of my married friends (opposite sex). I do draw the line at certain events. For example, I wouldn't go to a bar with one of my married guy friends by myself. You are just setting yourself up for something bad to happen.
I think the Bible is a good starting point for that question. The book of Proverbs has a verse that says a man shouldn't even hug another man's wife.
No matter how platonic a friendship is I think it is walking on dangerous ground. For the people involved it may be nothing, but to other people watching it could be.
I trust my husband, but I wouldn't want him alone out to dinner or a movie with another woman and he feels the same way about me.
Absolutely not!!
It isn't a lack of trust for my husband, but look temptation in the face.
Plus how does it look for onlookers?
I'm a wife and mother and love my husband, but I am also a woman who works outside the home. I have to go to lunch, dinner, and sometimes travel with men. Some of these people I work with and some customer ARE FRIENDS. I can't stop doing my job. In the middle of the meeting when they say lets go get lunch...uh...you kind of have to go. I am VERY open with my husband, and let him know when I will be alone with another guy. (I will text him and say, had to go to lunch with this guy, etc.) We have to trust each other, and make it work.
I'm also single and one of my best friends is a guy, but if one of us were to marry someone else, the boundries of that friendship would have to change. I think your messing with dangerous territory when you put yourself in those situations and anyone who thinks otherwise is being naïve. As for the person who said work requires it...that's definately a tricky situation where you would have to constantly be making a conscience effort to keep yourself in check.
A lunch meeting with SEVERAL gentlemen would not be inappropriate, but lunch with one of them would be questionable.
I think it's a bad idea for a married person to spend exclusive time with someone else. It's just too easy for something stupid to happen, or lines to slowly get crossed.
It's better to plan ahead and be part of a group, or just eat alone. It's not a matter of trust, but one of respect and of "avoiding even the appearance of evil". Relationships can be hard, it's just foolish to make them harder by "going out" with someone other than your spouse.
Another single person here. I think its ok, as long as everyone has boundaries. I have some great guy friends that are married and I don't want to stop being friends because they get married. I never just call up my guy friend and invite him, and only him to do anything. I always see if his wife wants to join us (out of respect for her). Sometimes the wives go and sometimes they don't.
Also, I agree with 8:42. I work in an industry that is full of men. This week I went to lunch with two married men. It was perfectly fine. We talked about work and politics. If my boss who is married asked me to lunch, I can't say- No I'm sorry, you are married and I'm not, people might look down on us. It's very unrealistic.
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I am married and I do think it is ok for each of us to have friends of the opposite gender. Both of us have been alone with others of the opposite gender and NOTHING has happened. If we can't trust each other in our marriage to have friends of the opposite sex then we have real issues. And I don't care what others think if they were to see us. As long as we are acting appropriate then we have nothing to worry about. As far as the comment as hugging another mans wife according to the book of Proverbs, seriously? I think we read way too much into words that were written many years ago.
Wow, you think we read too much into what was written into the Bible?
I think its funny that most of the single people have no problem with the issue, but most of the married ones do.
I believe that if you give Satan a foothold he'll take it and won't let go.
Why would you want to put yourself in a position that could lead to the destruction or at least damage the most important relationship you have on earth?
When I was single I felt differently. Marriage gives you a different perspective.
And I don't think it's unrealistic to tell your boss. "I'm sorry I have an agreement with my spouse. I don't do one-on-one lunch dates with men/women." I think that he/she would respect that.
9:40, if people read more of the Bible, maybe we wouldn't be asking this question. Some people don't read enough into the Bible!
We have a large group of friends that we all go to church together with and we agree that it's an 'unspoken' rule that you avoid being alone with a married man or woman. It's out of respect for their marriage. I'm not talking about running next door to borrow something! I'm talking about calling them up and wanting to get lunch or something. Respect! Where has that went?
I don't think its about trust at all.
It's wrong because you are putting yourself in a situation where you might become attracted to that person.
Why play with fire you know? The easiest way to not start a fire is not play around with matches.
I have known several people that have a rule to never be alone with someone of the opposite sex. I think its a great rule.
I even heard a story of a minister who was flying into a church to be a guest speaker and the church secretary was supposed to pick him up - he said that wouldn't work because of this rule that he and his wife have.
Quoting...
If my boss who is married asked me to lunch, I can't say- No I'm sorry, you are married and I'm not, people might look down on us. It's very unrealistic.
Um, yeah you can. No job is worth destroying a marriage over.
9:40, I think you are playing with fire BIGTIME.
It is much different when you work for a church or a company with a biblical background. Places like that sometimes have written rules in the handbooks, etc.
Corporate America is NOT like that! There have MANY times my boss and I have been in a meeting and I am taking notes, and he says, "lets go eat and keep working on this." I can NOT say no. He would ask if there is a trust issue, or if I was scared to be alone with him, PLEASE....it would become MORE of an issue if I didn't go.
My husbands line of work requires him to work in homes. Homes where HOT stay-at-home moms could be sun bathing topless in the backyard. What do I do? Not let him go to work? Require woman to not be in the house when he's there? Many people don't let you work in their home unless they are there.
12:35- No I can't.
As 1:10 commented...it would become MORE of an issue if I didn't go.
I'm trying to climb the corporate ladder. It's already challenging to be a women in a man's business world. I don't need the extra obstacles for myself. However, I would put my foot down with traveling alone with someone of the opposite sex.
With technology the way it is your husband/wife could be emailing/txt/im'ing their friend of the opposite sex. Couldn't that become more dangerous than lunch out in public?
1:10 and 1:26, why are you more concerned about your jobs and putting them first over your family? Shouldn't it be the opposite?
I am NOT putting my job over my family, and I don't really appreciate you judging me.
I said in a previous post I text my husband and ALWAYS let him know what I am doing, and who I am with. I am by NO means attracted to my boss, AT ALL! If that ever changed, or I worked for a man that I was attracted to I would make sure the situation was changed. You can't assume that every time a man and woman are alone together clothes start flying off.
I have no clue what kind of woman are at the homes my husband walks in. They could say things to him....pursue him....I have to TRUST that if something happened or something was said that made him uncomfortable he could say something, or walk out. I would do the same thing in my job!
We can't live in fear of something happening, we have to use our best judgment and make good choices to protect our marriages.
I'm not either, I'm single. I was just commenting on how I'm expected to react at work; when my married boss or coworkers ask me to lunch.
people are being way too judgemental today. If these rules work great in your marriage then wonderful.
However don't judge others if they don't feel the need to have these rules. You never know, their marriage could quite possibly be a lot stronger than yours/
This is about friends and spending alone time with friends of the opposite sex! Not working together or going into someone’s house when the opposite sex is there alone. My husband also goes into people's homes and yes, sometimes there are women there alone. Does he sit down and have coffee? No. It's work, it's different. Does he go to my friends houses and hang out when their husbands are at work, again NO. It's awkward and inappropriate!
#1. Some of the men at work I have to be alone with are people I consider to be my FRIENDS.
#2. My husband HAS worked for friends of ours before.
Now what? Only work with people you hate, and turn down jobs of people you know. Perfect plan.
Get real.
Sounds like a lot of wives don't really trust their husbands. (been watching too much television?)
If you refuse your spouse the benign and fraternal company of others you might love him; but, you don't trust him.
I have a great guy friend who I've known since college. Him and I will occasionally get together for coffee or lunch. His wife doesn't always meet us, and it's ok. This works for all of us. I do not go spend the night at their house, he doesn't stay at our house, and we don't go on vacations together (alone). It's just a friendship that has lasted for almost 10 years. By the way, I set him up with his wife so I love her to death.
Whoa, I fully trust my husband and we have a great marriage and I would FULLY not want him to be alone or have a girl BFF, it has nothing to do with trust. .
Hot button topic. Wow!
It's just too risky. I have a general rule to not be alone with a member of the opposite sex. It's not a rule my wife has placed on me or is required in our marriage. It's just a personal rule of mine that has served me very well.
There have been occasions where I've had to violate my own rule. Situations dictate that some times. However, because I have that rule, my guard immediately goes up when I'm placed those situations. That happens long before I ever have the chance to get romantically involved with another woman.
People don't intend to have affairs. Emotional bonds develop over a long period of time as two people let their guard down around each other slowly (and in many cases unintentionally) in ways that they should only be doing with their spouse. If I avoid putting myself in potentially compromising situations all together, that is a rational decision I make on the front end that prevents me from getting into a situation where I allow myself to get emotionally attached to another woman. As soon as emotions come into play, it's all over. It's so much better to make a decision that is based not on emotions but on the principle of it not being a good idea to even give myself the opportunity to go down that road.
So all that is to say, for me, I'm married and I try my best not to ever be alone with another woman. That seems best for me and I would recommend it to others, but it's a decision that each individual and each couple has to make for themselves.
I am writing from experience. i once had a friendship with a married man, and we were "just friends" i thought, until one day he took me to a house he was building and tried to kiss me. i backed away shocked. butr i realise i had only myself to blame. because i was illing to go places with him when my husband or his wife would not go.
the rule we use in this marriage is how would you feel if I was too do the same thing if it would be okay for me then it is okay for you.
I'm with 2:29 on this...sounds like a lot of people here have trust issues. I'm in a committed relationship and I have no problem with my boyfriend joining one of his friends for dinner... and he has no problems with me being alone with any of my male friends. When I was in college, I had quite a few male friends, some I'm still great friends with to this day. If I had to give up a ten year long friendship because my boyfriend didn't trust the company I keep, I would have to rethink the relationship. And I feel the same about his female friends from high school. It's because I TRUST him.
I think it boils down to two things: trust and security with YOURSELF. You may trust your partner and have trust within your marriage. But if you feel insecure about your own self, you're still going to worry that they may find someone else more attractive, etc. than you.
You just have to outline what is acceptable to both you and your spouse in that situation and respect what your spouse wants. It could definitely vary from marriage to marriage - there doesn't have to be a blanket rule for everyone.
"But if you feel insecure about your own self, you're still going to worry that they may find someone else more attractive, etc. than you."
I think this is crap. I believe Satan uses every means possible to destroy lives and marriage. He works whether regardless of your self esteem.
I sincerely hope your naivete does not hurt your marriage down the road, or leave you wounded and broken.
Dinner dates, movies, trips to Vegas are never okay. Lunch with a boss or coworker doesn't fall in that same boat to us, as long as it is in a public place. Yes, be mindful of appearances, but is it okay for my husband to have a female coworker that is a friend? Yes.
7:36pm, you are definitely entitled to your opinion, but to generalize MY opinion as "crap" is pretty much ridiculous. It's true that insecure women and men can blow things out of proportion when it comes to the opposite sex. My husband is an example. He is terribly insecure, due to the fact that he was cheated on by an old girlfriend and does not have high self-esteem. He trusts me, really he does, but HIS insecurities get in the way of him being able to deal with my male friendships. He worries that I will start finding some of them more attractive and successful than him. Is that my fault, or something brought about by my own wrongdoing? No. It's just him. I make it a point to make him feel better by NOT having outside, active male friendships. In doing so, I keep my marriage strong. But if I were married to someone else who did not have the same experiences, I definitely feel that I could keep male friendships and it would be okay.
Point being is that you can't just create one rule for something and say it should be the same for everyone. Every person and every situation is unique.
Kinda off topic but............I had a friend who's husband was a doctor and he intentionally only hired nurses that he knew he woulld not be attracted too....... his wife told me that nearly all of the nurses were very overweight.
I have a friend who's husband is a dentist. He only hires/hired young, attractive nurses and cheated on his wife with one of them.
5:11 and 7:07...good comments. I agree.
This sounds really shallow, but I would be fine with letting my hubby be close friends with a girl who was really, really ugly, or more than 15 years older...... but if she were our age, and I thought had attractive qualities, I don't think I'd be okay with it.
Just curious, to those of you who are okay with friends of the opposite sex...would y'all be okay with your spouse having a close friend who was an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend of y our spunse and would fairly attractive??????? esp. if your hubby was not the "dumper"?
11:46, why wouldn't those people who are okay with their husbands having female friends be okay with have ex-girlfriends as friends, after all that would mean they are just insecure withthemselves and have trust issues if they didnt, right??!
Also, adding on to 11:46 ------
If your spouse had an affair, confessed to you, you forgave him... then years later they meet again, but you completely trust him would you be okay with them hanging out as friends???
Or does it mean you're insecure????
I personally don't think you can compare a platonic male friendship with a previous affair partner. They are two completely different types of relationships. One didn't cross a line and the other most certainly did. There is no reason to rekindle a relationship/friendship with an ex-affair partner. That's asking for major trouble and issues within your marriage. But let's say my husband wanted to have coffee with his best girl friend from high school or something, for an hour? My marriage is intact, so I couldn't care less.
There are essentially two different questions being asked. Is it okay for a married man and a married woman to be friends? Then, is it okay when they go and hang out one on one. It seems silly to say that they can't be friends. Unless you are in a vacuum, you are going to have people of the opposite sex in your life who you would consider friends. That said, being friends is different than leaving the family at home to go out and have dinner and a movie. I agree that a married man/woman should not be alone entertaining someone of the opposite sex. You just have to know yourself, know how your spouse feels and be mindful of not giving the wrong impression.
I wouldn't mind my husband having a friend of the opposite sex, but I WOULD mind if he took time away from our family to hang out with her. We have so little time together already, that would just be preposterous. For married couples, I think it is much smarter to just have other couple friends that you can both hang out with TOGETHER. You are just playing with fire when you put yourself alone with the opposite sex ON PURPOSE. When you are forced into that situation for work, etc, then you should always be sure to keep your guard up, and remember where your priorities are.
"Let who thinks he stands take heed, lest he fall."
Wow! This was my question! I am kind of honored that it made the "Most Spirted Questions" section!
I am married and feel it is not 100% inappropriate. I feel if you and your spouse are okay with it then do it. I mean my husband has a friend who he was been very close to in HS and she came down here for an interview and was going to meet up. She is married too and came to our house when I was busy doing something (i came later on) but it was no big deal to me. Maybe it would have been if she was some hot model! I dunno. I have a guy friend also that he was the first person I was able to open up about my childhood sexual abuse when I was in highschool. He lives out of town as well and very rarely will come through the city. We meet up. If my husband wants to come he does, if not, no biggie. I understand some may feel we are playing with fire. I completely respect that opinion, but for me, I just feel differently. We tell each other everything and nothing is secret. If things are secret...it's probably 100% inappropriate then!!
My best friend is male, and my husband and I have communicated very clearly about where the line is in this relationship. I always ask my husband if he is okay if I have coffee/lunch with my friend, and if ever he feels uncomfortable about it I will end the relationship, no questions asked. I am very clear about the boundaries- for example I would never be in a house alone with my friend. This is not at all because I think something might happen, just that I think it is inappropriate. It's a big help to me to have a male friend to confide in. Therefore I think it is fine, as long as there's complete understanding between husband and wife, and as long as the friend is aware of the boundaries.
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